Being an emotional martyr

the curse presented as a gift.

Okay, I'll break down and teach you the fucking ABCs today (but only because the word has multiple definitions and we only need one today). You better keep up, I'm only running through this once.

By definition, a martyr is, a person who sacrifices something of great value and especially life itself for the sake of principle. As an emotional martyr (hypothetically), you tend to constantly engage in self sacrificing behavior and consistently put the needs of others above your own. While I admire the love you are able to pass out (and I have a history of it all on my own); I just want to know if you considered choosing you more often?

but Phoenix, if I choose me, who will choose them?

Them. They already do it. You see the thing about being a martyr is you choose others over, and over, and over again; out of love, yes but secretly inside you hope that they appreciate your efforts and just once choose you. Do they? Do you feel the love that you pour into the world being poured back into you? Or are you giving and giving and giving, depleting all that is in your cup to appease a world that doesn't give a single fuck to appease you?

Again, I admire your heart, truly, I do. But look around. The world around us is a fucking parasite that feeds on light. The more you feed it, the more it will demand. It is also on fire, the polar icecaps have been melting for a while now, California is going to float away soon and there are flowers blooming Antartica, and we are basically reliving the Roaring 20s a hundred years later. If you're going to live a life that fulfills you (as best as you can on this tanking rock in space), I wouldn't exactly advise that you wait. I hate to be cynical but at the rate in which things are going, it's kind of a do or die.

How many times have you bent your morals for somebody, they reap all the benefits and you get the consequences? Would they do it for you? Or how many times have you already been silently struggling on your own but shown up for someone in a big way throwing yourself into a bigger deficit, and they just don't understand what you had to do to make it happen? And they probably don't care because it's about them, not you. How many times have you had to put on a happy face around others and pretend it's fine, while mentally your floating in a dark hole alone because you don't want to burden them? But you bet your fucking bottom dollar they burden you every chance that they get with everything. This my friend is choosing people who wouldn't even choose you in a lineup.

so I should just give up on loving and doing for others?

No. That's not what I'm saying at all. I'm big on giving love, but I also work a little harder everyday to position myself around people who give me love in exchange for my love. There are people in this world that are full of light, but they deserve to be around light. There is far more darkness around us than light and if you get mixed up in the darkness, you just might lose your spark. And the darkness is going to have a grand fucking time draining it from you.

When I say to choose you, I don't mean in a way of being cold and cynical. I mean it in a way of finding a lane in life where you and your love feel safe. A place where you can bounce to the beat of your own drum and your sacrifice doesn't always have to be so vast or feel so much like sacrifice. Your purpose isn't just to give, give, give to no avail and never even taste the fruits of your Iabors. It never was. You deserve to be loved just as hard as you love. But in order to do that, you have to take control and watch who you selflessly give yourself and your efforts to. Not all company is good company.

you just have it all figured out huh?

I wish I did. I'm still learning and misstep quite a bit. Nobody's perfect here (hello, that's why we're doing this motherfu- I'm not gonna finish that). I just know the impact that it can have on a person. The constant drainage, depression, feeling like you're not good enough and can never do enough. It's not you, you're enough. You just have to be around people and place yourself in environments where you are seen for what you are. Shit, you might even find out that you're too much for some people. Just make sure you're give yourself a fighting chance. Go as hard for you as you do for them (you know what I'm talking about). I got faith in you kid.

talk soon.