The mystical art of choosing you.

I'm back (again) motherfuckers, did ya miss me?

Don't give me shit, I know I've been MIA. The last thing I need is for you to fall off of your high horse, trying to point your stubby ass finger at me. Shit's been rough dude, I'm not gonna lie. But it's also been kind of great. I'm sad (in a negasonic-teenage-warhead kind of way) that I haven't been here to share, but it just means that we have lots (and lots) to catch up on!

Now that we've gotten the formalities out of the way, let's jump out of the frying pan and into the fire. What's new? Still walking around with that hard head and that soft ass? Or have we been taking time to reflect and grow? What about taking accountability? Or are we still walking around with chips on our shoulder about what mommy and daddy didn't do growing up; or how that one girl (or boy) broke our heart and made us cry in the 8th grade? Don't worry, I'm not going to grill your ass the entire time (that would literally be no fun, it's too easy). I'm just priming you for what's to come.

cut the shit, why are we here?

Alright shit-for-brains, since the title wasn't clear enough for you, let's break it down. Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today to discuss choosing you. I'm not talking about the cutesy frilly shit, or the shit that your fake therapist on Tiktok has to say. We're going to be real about it. Raw and in the thick of it.

Now, if you've been "choosing you" since your mom writhed in labor for hours trying to get your watermelon head dislodged from her--well, you know, then you might not be able to walk with me on this one. And that is completely fine, but I am going to have to put you in your cage for this one. I don't need you biting our guests. As for my lovers, empaths and yes-men out there, please follow me.

okay smart-ass, cut to the chase.

Cage time is also quiet time, sweetie. My best advice? Stop interrupting me before I pull out the shock collar. Anyway, back to the main audience. Remember that one time I told that my life completely changed in a matter of months? Well I recently paid "my old life" a visit over this past weekend and got a fuck ton more than I bargained for.

It all started with a funeral (really, a wake). One of my oldest friends recently lost her dad. While I have a very complicated relationship with death (more specifically, the death of those I know personally); I knew that it was more important for me to be there for her in such a heartbreaking time than to bore her with spiels about the enmity between me and death. So I went...to both the funeral and the wake. Before this, I hadn't really talked to her in a while. No beef, just the ebb and flow of adult life bringing us close enough for a quick text, dm or Facetime call and then riding our respective tides back to our own chaotic realities. Despite the circumstances, it was good to see her, as well as her family. I mean, at one point we were thick as thieves, inseparable even; and then I looked up one day and we were walking our own paths.

At some point in those two days, as I sat with my friend talking and sometimes not, I realized how much our lives had changed. How much we had grown in our own directions, but are somehow still attached at the root. I realized that even though we don't quite fit together how we did before, the love is very much still there, along with the history and our deepest secrets. However, In a space that once was mine, where it all just made sense; I no longer felt like the same person they were used to. Needless to say, I left the the experience with mixed emotions and a boatload of lessons and thoughts that I would later have to unpack.

what does this have to do with choosing yourself?? I mean c'mo-

I thought I asked you not to speak while I was speaking. We're going through these little anecdotes to get to what I like to call a full circle moment. If you can keep up, you'll understand when we get to the finish line (I am now holding the shock collar, stop fucking interrupting me.)

Sunday rolled around. And in the least egotistically way possible, I am a fan favorite. I was presented with a bunch of ways I could spend my day off from different people in my life, but I knew I needed to be with family. So, even socially and mentally depleted from the days prior, I spent time with my aunts and cousins that I (once again) have not been more than a text or a quick Facetime/phone call to recently. And once again, while I felt right at home, I felt a disconnect. And then the realization set in that I wasn't that same kid anymore. No longer naive and dipping my toes in the kiddie pool, bound to others to gain experience. Not even my family. And while, again, the love is still very much there, warm and vibrant, I came to yet another realization. Yes, we do these small catch-ups, but we have no idea about each others' day-to-day lives anymore. And here I was, sitting in the thick of theirs. I was elated to see them, but I couldn't help but wonder when things flipped and became the way they are today. But while I was in the moment, I just wanted to take it all in.

And then I saw my ex. And I'm not talking about a situationship that went awry, or some puppy dog stage from freshman year. I'm talking about my first long-term, "grown up" relationship. And the elephant in the room (that was our relationship) is still very visible, it hasn't even been a year since we broke up. Obviously, after 5 years of being with the same person, they become familiar with your family. So our encounter starts during the previous.

I'd seen him a few miscellaneous times throughout the months, but it always felt so awkward (and that could be completely in my head) looking at the person that I had literally slept in the same bed with for years; and now we're strangers that know everything about each other. Because before we were long-term partners, he was one of my best friends. And when we went our own ways, I was accepting the loss of more than my boyfriend. But Sunday wasn't awkward. It didn't feel like we were back together, but it felt like I was seeing my friend for the first time in forever and there was so much to say and not enough time. So we talked for hours. About how much everything has changed, what we've learned about ourselves since going our own ways, and the great things along with the not so great things we've gone through lately. There were words of affirmation and there were flaming truths. But again there were those creeping thoughts. I remembered who I was before and came to accept that I wasn't even that girl anymore. We wear the same shell but the inner mechanisms (and some of the outer ones) had been changed out. And while I was looking at someone I once knew so well, I couldn't help but think he had the same feeling.

oh man, you learned the same lesson thrice, woo hoo.

No you little asshole, I learned more that. And lucky for you, we have officially entered the full circle moment. Now go find a chew toy or something, before I shut you up my way.

Somewhere in the midst of all of these emotions and thoughts, it hit me that every one of these relationships pivoted in moments when I had to choose between others and myself. I am naturally a giver and a nurturer and I would quite literally sacrifice myself to see the people around me happy, healthy and safe. Despite my bitchy nature, I operate out of love. But with that, sometimes I forget that I deserve to be loved by me too. And I've been working on rebuilding that relationship. Sometimes it's hard to find the balance between being that rock for others, while trying to nurture yourself after years of neglect, self-imposed or not; all the while living an adult life. And I'm not saying that you have to let go completely (unless it's the best thing for you), but sometimes you have to loosen your grip just enough. And that's what I had done. I had loosened my grip on some of the closest people to me just to see if I could walk alone. I learned that I can, now I do.

The road is scary and windy sometimes. No day is the same as the last or the next, but it's never boring. Even though I get down sometimes and it's not always bright and sunny, I can actually say that I'm on solid ground with me for once. And all the while, the people that I was so afraid to loosen my grip on still love me and still feel loved by me.

The magic of choosing yourself is not the thrill of beings selfish. It is the thrill of seeing that people would rather see you happy and glowing in your most organic form; than miserable and drowning as you play concierge in everyone else's lives and ignoring your own screaming voice in the back of your head. I hope you find the strength to choose you too.

talk soon.