When you come back from the ashes,

Orajah Cottrell
Mar 16, 2024
4 min read

everything's different.

Grab a snack and get comfy, it's my turn on the grill again. If you're new here, hi, I'm Phoenix (hence the title, keep up) I'm here to get "vulnerable" with you today, but please don't get used to it.

I decided to completely reinvent myself. No but seriously,I decided to change some things up a while ago and while it hasn't been easy, it has been rewarding. The best part of it all, I'm me. Inside and out. Am I the best version of me that I have ever been? That's debatable. The most authentic version? You bet your tits. All cliche shit aside, I feel alive.

alive?? how so?

I've never quite fit anywhere (probably because I was trying to fit into spaces not built for me). But now, I wouldn't rather be anywhere else. As I began to evolve from the inside, so did my surroundings. Some people would think of this as a new season, but to me, it feels more like a spin-off. Some of the older characters that have been around forever remain, but a lot of these motherfuckers are new. And with the new motherfuckers come with new sceneries, new experiences, new missions to complete, and new (but less severe) dramas. And I love every second of it.

I even have a close-nit friend group of adults, that even though they bring the grouchy bitch out of me at times, I wouldn't trade for anything (not even a small loan of $1 million from Donny Trump's dad). Don't get me wrong, I've been in my fair share of friend groups; and while I still love the majority of them dearly, we weren't the most mature or healthy as units. But now, no idea is a bad idea, everyone's voice holds importance; our greatest bouts of drama are "we burned the breadsticks or the restaurant that we wanted to eat at as a group is no longer an option because it's too busy.

Even the people I'm branching off and meeting on my own are well suited for and accepting of me as me. And I mean me to the core. The "dark energy" of me wearing all black and being well-in-tune with what I like and don't like excites them. It doesn't scare them (civilians are different story). I'm able to be comfortable being me, inside and out; without worrying about tweaking parts of my personalityh or appearance to stroke their egos, or "fit in".

noticed any downsides?

Sometimes I get nostalgic, reminiscing about what could be considered simpler times. Because I wasn't fully an adult yet. I was still wet behind the ears and considered a lot of shit "fun" that just wouldn't cut it now. But we all look back and miss our old lives at times, do we not? My transition into this "spin-off" was practically immediate, it's only been about 6 months since my whole life did a 180 before my very eyes. I try to grant myself grace and remind myself that it is okay to get sad sometimes, even if it's over things that may not have been the best for me.

There are also feelings of inadequacy at times. Like I wasted a lot of time and now I'm stuck playing catch up to get to the life I desire. Like I was late to the race and every other car is already on their second lap. While a bit disheartening, it's also very motivating. I've always had to work twice as hard to reach my goals and now I just have to bump that effort up a bit more. It's all in due time. Am I burning the candle at both ends trying to get back on track fully? Absolutely. Any regrets about it? Absolutely not, I'm doing it for me.

And then there's the depression that I was just lucky enough to shake. There's something about living in a black whole in your head for months at a time that really changes a person. Feeling like there's a dark cloud following you everywhere you go; just when you think you're about to see the sun, it starts raining and sometimes it's accompanied by thunder and lightening. At some point, I stopped seeing the darkness as a cloud and began to think of it as a cocoon. Viewing myself as a caterpillar, just waiting to turn into a butterfly. And eventually, I got my wings.

lessons learned?

There are quite a few of them, they go a little something like this:

The journey is not linear and when you find a path that you think is the right one to get you where you're going; there are still going to be obstacles along the way. You either adapt and keep moving, or you give up.
Nothing is out of reach unless you tell yourself it is. Even things that feel impossible or like they're unobtainable for "someone like you" can be yours if you want it enough to put in the effort.
There are people out there that will make you feel like you are at home when you are being authentic. You do not have to settle for half truths.
You can rewrite your story a billion times, if that's what it takes to find the one that satisfies you.
Romance is cool, but there are some others things in life that are way cooler.
Life is like a box of chocolates (shout out to Forrest Gump)
Its okay to peak back every once in a while, but don't ever turn back.